intense anger imagination

trigger warning: murder, description of process of murder

has anyone infuriated you so much that you’ve wanted to murder them and the only thing stopping you is that murder is illegal and this impulsive murder will put you in jail and that is not very fun at all? i have. the person infuriated me so much i just wanted them to disappear from the face of this earth. i have imagined grabbing a butter knife from the kitchen and stabbing them multiple times through their back, into their heart and lungs and liver and spleen and stomach till they bleed to death.

i imagine the the knife is blunt enough that i would have to use much strength for the knife to get through skin. then when i go past the skin and get to the fats, i would be able to feel the sensation of knife cutting through skin. the squishy cuts that would be jagged and messy, the blood that would flow out thickly and start to feel sticky, the warmth and softness of flesh and liquid until we hit bone.

maybe i’ll but along the spine and be able to grab it with my hand and detached it from the body, then i’ll be able to see what angles it can bend at and when im bored, i’ll be able to crack it at the joint and break it. then i might move on to the rib cage and try to extract it, then i’ll stomp on it with my feet and crack it to pieces.

maybe then, maybe my anger will dissipate and be soothed.

Murder

Trigger warning: murder, descriptions of murder, feelings during murder

one of the most shocking instances when talking about murder was with this friend who introduced the term perfect murder to me. at a time when murder was not the most common thing to think or discuss about, my friend asked me what i would do to murder a person but leave no traces that i did so, so that i wouldn’t get caught. i did not have enough scientific information to give an answer so i asked the question back at them. they said, an ice pick made of ice. it would be sharp enough to stab the person to death, you wouldn’t need to worry about leaving a fingerprint or DNA because the ice pick would just melt and the water would get rid of all the DNA.

what a wonderful way to kill. then i grew older and watched more shows about murder and realised that the most perfect murder would be to kill a person and not have the authorities suspect that it was a murder. the death would be counted as an accident, natural cause, suicide or anything that doesn’t involve suspect. cyanide? but you’d be able to detect it in the blood or in the food or cup used. but what if it were planned to look like a suicide?

hanging? they don’t make the ceilings like that anymore. drowning? unless its in the bathroom, you might get caught by cameras outside. car accident? the blackbox in the camera has to be taken care of.

so many ways to make a perfect murder.

Anger

boiling anger, rising anger, feverish anger and annoying nudge. these are the few angers i recognise. when the boiling anger happens, it feels like your blood pressure is rising , the blood shooting from your stomach to the crown of your head. if there were no organ called the skin, the blood would have shot out 4 storeys high and landed a yard away. your body cannot contain the blood in your body and is sending all the emergency signals to cool your body down to calm your feelings, to start breathing. this is one of the most painful angers that makes you realise that it is really not worth it having this anger as it hurts you more than what you are getting angry at.

the rising anger is the anger that rises at different speeds through your upper body, encapsulating your head with hot warmth. Depending on how angry you are. this heat might be welcomed on a freezing day, but on a warm day, it is the last thing you want, and it gets your anger greater. this kind of anger comes and grows during a realisation.

then there’ s the feverish anger, the grudge that you have to suppress, that you cant or wont let out, because you’re too tired, because the situation is hopeless and your anger wouldn’t be resolved any way. all you can do is acknowledge the heat that is burning your ears, boiling your brain, pressing against your eyeballs, steaming up your breath, pumping your stomach, compressing your lips, then take a deep breath and let all these sensations pass.

lights too bright

you know the sensation you get when there are too many lights or when the light is too glaring? the throbbing pain you feel in your eyeballs even when you close your eyes when you’re surrounded by the mid afternoon sunlight on a clear dry day. when there isn’t even moisture in the air to act as a buffer of the sun rays glaring at you, when there is nothing in the way of the 6 minutes journey of the sun rays into your eyes directly from the sun. the pain intensifies especially when you are forced to adapt to the lights when you’ve just stepped out of a dark room and your hands aren’t even thick enough to act as a shield to your eyes.

then, there’s the pain that forms in your forehead and temples when you look at the light or even only the surface the light is shining on. you know that you are not sick, you’ve been in the pink of health for the longest time and you’ve had no reason to feel unwell but the bright glaring lights of the moving head lights that keep blinking in your eyes makes your head throb. you try to close your eyes to soften the glare but your eyelids are too thin and you can still see the lights in the form of your eyelids’ blood vessels glowing red.

then there’s the light of the screen of a passenger in a black out cabin who has no idea how to dim the screen brightness and isn’t bothered by the brightness of the screen. but everyone is tired in the night of the flight and most are already in deep sleep, then you wake up because you feel a sensation on your face and arm, you aren’t cold or hot, you don’t feel thirsty, the seat isn’t the most comfortable but it isn’t bothering you but the sensation is so persistent you can fall back asleep. you open your eyes slightly and you regret it because your eyes are pulled towards the bright light of the passenger’s screen sitting two seat diagonally in front of you. you can see the movie they are watching and you can look away because it is like the white light at the end of the darkest tunnel. it is the brightest thing you have ever seen the most dazzling diamond in the rough, the shiniest pearl in the sea, the purest gold in the crucible, except it is an annoyance. because you are tired and want to go back to sleep but it is too bright.

icy cold water

icy cold water without ice in it is the best feeling drink on a hot day. imagine a hot humid morning and you’ve just completed your trip to the grocery. the sun had shone like there would be no afternoon later, using all its energy to glare at you almost like it was trying to ensure that at the end of your ten minute journey, you would be a roasted suckling pig with crispy fried skin, or hair so fried it was drier than fresh instant noodles. every bouncy step on the flat concrete evolves into a heavy laden tread on bricked and bumpy pavement, the grocery bags slowly turning into sandbags with every drop of perspiration produced. soon, you cant even differentiate the individual drops of perspiration as they start to grow and gather, when it gathers to saturation point, droplets start sliding down your skin and suddenly you are a raining cloud. your heavy slippery journey continues for another two minutes that never seem to end and you finally reach your door. you go to water dispenser and set it to the coldest setting, the next cup of water that is dispensed has been fermenting in the freezing storage for the last thirty minutes, it is the coldest possible temperature that the water dispenser can spew out. it is so cold that before you put the cup to your lips, condensation has already formed on the surface of the cup. the cup is cold to the touch, but the feeling does not prepare you for the brain freeze that is coming. the numbing pain at the sides of your brain is a pleasure, the sharp pain in your teeth is a welcomed sign of the tongue freezing sensation in your mouth. the walls of your mouth are finally cooled down, and the water only feels cool by the time it slides down your throat. your second mouthful cools you down to your lungs and you can finally feel the third mouthful as it travels down your gullet. it was just what you needed, sweet icy cool water to cool your fiery melting body.

food

have you ever had food that made you feel emotions? one of the most common emotions food makes me feel is the despair that i would never taste anything as good as whatever i’m eating ever again. or annoyance that the food is so good it has spoiled all future enjoyment of the tastes of foods that i will ever go through. but, i have faith in humanity and the flavours on this earth, there will be more delicacies and more tasty foods that will be able to ignite those feelings of annoyance and despair again.

then another emotion that i have encountered multiple times is comfort, the warm cuddly loving feeling in your diaphragm that stretches itself all the way to your throat. beautiful, so comforting, so gentle, all bad things in the world are outside this shield.

what about food that made you go through the stages of a relationship? one time i ate a strawberry dessert that made me feel the tentative feelings of starting a relationship, the curiosity of how the relationship will progress, the sweetness of the honeymoon period, the tartness of the conflicting flavours, the bitterness of the clashing of emotions and the spiciness of excitement all held together by a savoury saltiness. it was a three course dessert and i hadn’t wanted the dessert to end. the feelings of apprehension were so strong, i was so sure that the next course wouldn’t be as beautiful and impressive as the previous one and i was just unwilling to get on with the dessert. but the apprehensive feelings you feel all seem to be part of what the chef had designed for you to feel to enhance the experience and taste of the current and next course. alas, it was a cold dessert that was bound to melt and i had to get on with the course or waste it. and so i did and it had popping candy in it that was like a welcome and celebration of the old relationship ending and a new one beginning. it was amazing, that experience.

Writing Style

According to the two people who have read my previous writings that i did for fun and given feedback, i apparently have a pretty distinctive writing style when i’m describing things.

therefore, i shall try to describe my writing style to see the changes in my past and future writings.

i usually describe emotions and the way i tend to do so is by comparing the physical sensations of feeling an emotion to the things of nature. like anger to a cooking stove, fear to a rising tsunami, and happiness to fresh air. this is probably because i believe that the sensations of emotions can always be matched to the sensation of emotion that nature can bestow upon you. and if i’m unable to describe an emotion using nature, it’s probably because i haven’t experienced enough of nature and i need to walk around more often.

but there will come a time where the words are few and the emotions are strong, so the other thing that i will use to describe emotions will be more advanced and intense words. for these vocabulary, the thesaurus will be consulted. but i really dislike using the thesaurus, not for the tedious effort of searching for the right word or that the search will break my train of thought, but because the appropriate word that i find will be to difficult to understand without the consultation of the dictionary. i would definitely not recognise the word if i hadn’t gone on a search for it.

while i appreciate that there are many words to describe something to a great intensity, i would rather use more simple words to get the feelings across.

if comparison doesn’t works, i will just describe the physical sensations that my body goes through in detail to allow the reader to feel what i felt.

i don’t know whether my writing style will get more colourful or advanced, but i look forward to its state in the near future~

I want to be an author

But I don’t know what to write about. And my writing skills are not very fantastic. still, we all have to start somewhere and I have decided that I shall start right here on this blog. this is where I will write at least 250 words a day, for practice and to somehow have inspiration suddenly strike. I can foresee myself writing about my day when I have no ideas about interesting things, but maybe this will be where I murder people in writing and write things that I can only imagine in my head. 250 words to read may seem like a small number, but I am struggling to reach this word count. I know that to make this daily exercise worth it, I should try to make my sentences substantial and expressive. there are many fanfic writers that I look up to and enjoy, so I hope that their style and choice of words will be able to inspire me to be a better writer and research more words for my writings. also, I hope that when I review the things that I have written every day, I will be able to see that I have improved. 250 words a day, 1750 words a week, 7500 words a month and 91 250 words a year. in about a year, I will have enough words to form a book of a decent length. and hopefully by then i would have come up with an idea or two for a book.

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